The secret

Some time ago I had a complete breakdown that hospitalized me for two weeks and even though I was put on medication the trauma surrounding this event left me unable to control my nerves. I discovered that many things I used to be able to do easily before now mysteriously caused me to begin physically shaking all over and lasted for sometime. So I tended to shy away from any type of situation that would potentially stress me out and that played havoc with my life. I was told I would never work again by my doctor which didn`t sit well with me but I had lost my business income as a result of my symptoms.
Job interviews were a nightmare so I did`nt apply for work fearing that I would not be able to handle the pressure and start shaking and even when I did finally get hired severe anxiety forced me to quit after only a few months. Thankfully I qualified for CPP assistance as this problem has stayed with me for years and defied all my attempts to get it under control.
Feeling that my life was now over after a number of years of failed attempts to overcome this problem  I finally hit the end of my resources and bottomed out feeling suicidal and useless.

One day I had a bottle of pills in my hand and I was staring at them trying to work up the courage to take them all but I started to think about what my death would accomplish and as I started to think of my wife and two kids and what they meant to me.
I decided I couldn'tt do it but what I would do was unclear to me. At some point after, still struggling with suicidal thoughts and no change in my situation, I decided to give my church's healing service one last shot. I made my way there wondering what might happen.
 This is where God started to overtly work in my life because just as I opened the door to the sanctuary in walked the pastor who knew me as I had attended his church for some time and we had even talked about my challenges. Our eyes met and he asked me how I was and I decided to be honest with him. I had nothing to lose but my life so I told him of my suicidal thoughts and he looked incredulously at me and said "not you!".
So I went forward to receive prayer and when he prayed for me he said "I rebuke the spirit of suicide" and that was it. I went home and have never seriously thought of suicide as an answer to this day. What I did start thinking about was why did he have to say what he did out loud, now everybody will know my problem I thought.
In hindsight I think it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me because it showed me that pride was a big part of my problem. Over the years dealing with this condition I have slowly come to the conclusion that if I am going to get better it is going to come from some other source then my own efforts. Choosing to humble myself before God by presenting myself all but completely broken to him that day was a good start down a long road.

My nervous condition remained however and my guess is God wanted to leave it in my life to push me to continually search for the answers I was`nt finding in anything else. I never lost faith in believing that God was the answer but still tried various different types of medications which have actually helped a lot but nothing totally worked until recently I discovered the secret.

The secret is to know who you are in Christ Jesus, giving you an Identity separate from your situation. The bible tells me that if I put my faith in Jesus then God makes me a new creature in Him. Now nothing from my past, present or future is my problem anymore. The bible says that old things are past away and all things are new again. Who I used to be and the things I used to deal with and am currently dealing with in my own strength are no longer an issue. According to the bible I died to them in Jesus when he died. The new creature I have become is empowered by the life of the resurrected Jesus now. The bible says that "I can do all things through Jesus who strengthens me." So now I know I`m no longer expected to produce any results, as a matter of fact Jesus said that "apart from me you can do nothing." So the secret was that I needed to totally let go of trying to solve my problems because I couldn'tnt anyways. I learned that I just had to put my trust in Jesus to meet all my needs.
 Walking away from the fight and trusting in God to procure the victory as I rested in Him didn`t seem right. All my life I had been led to believe if you want something done you did it yourself and now I was being told God does it through me. I felt like I was being put out of a job again if I tried this approach but the idea of being able to rest emotionally was very appealing.
 One of God's promises was to be able to experience peace at all times not just when things were going well. I don`t believe this only because the bible says that Jesus is my source of peace, I believe it because it has worked for me. I`m still new at this so my mind's defaults still put me into a fight/flight mode when the usual stresses present themselves. When I start to feel this happening I tell myself to remember who`s life is living in me and that peace is not determined by my circumstances but by knowing who I am in Jesus. Total commitment is crucial as any doubt can lead to moving into a self effort mode.

As I experience more and more positive outcomes pretty soon I believe my mind is going to accept the truth and give me a new default. Until then I`m going to trust Jesus to be all that he is for all that I need. My life experience has proved to me that Gods word is true and can be applied to many areas of my life and no amount of self effort can produce what God can if I will only believe him. This verse says it best I think... 'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty.
Update...
Since I wrote this post I have been able to return to work helping my wife with her cleaning business. So far it is considered therapy by my doctors and is only partime but it gives me a great sense of satisfaction. I have anxiety when I work but as I turn this over to God it has become manageable. It seems that God works with us over time as we allow his word and healing power to impact our minds. exchanging his truths for the lies we used to believe.
Working for and with Wendy has given a whole new perspective and taught me a whole lot about my pride issues which were huge. Now she's the boss at work and to be honest I kind of like it that way. She`s good at what she does and is a real source of inspiration to me.

This song has been part of my walk to freedom.